From the present to the past

 Hi,

            "In a world where you can be anything, Be kind."

                                                   Unknown.

        The months of January and February are seasons of weddings, especially in South India. Recently, we attended a wedding of one of our nephews. The celebrations and rituals lasted for 3 days in a resort and there was lot of fun and frolic, catching up with extended family members after a long time. After the traditional nischayathartham (betrothal) in the morning, we expected that the bride will take hours to dress up for the reception. But voila!! Here she enters in a simple saree devoid of heavy makeup, very minimal ornaments making the whole evening look like more of a casual affair. The 'performances' for the evening included bride's father giving a speech about his daughter's qualities, the same from the groom's dad, speeches by the wedding couple on how happy they are to be the part of each others' families, friends who came from abroad to be the part of the grand wedding, dance and musical performances by the bride and the groom along with  younger cousins and the older generation alike. The highlight of the evening was the new mother-in-law who eagerly welcomed the bride into her family with a traditional Tamil song and a planned group dance. There were no stressful moments of boy's parents showing or behaving in a way that they were superior to the girl's side. The new mother-in-law put her daughter-in-law's photo as the dp in her WhatsApp after their wedding.

                          These scenes naturally made me throwback to my own wedding more than 23 years ago. The comparisons were inevitable. It was an era of no cell phones or social media and I belong to the generation of being brought up as 'good girls' to go and adjust in a totally alien environment of boy's family. As a Tamil Brahmin brought up in Kerala, associating with families based in Thanjavur district  was close to unthinkable because of their strict and orthodox ways of living, but I was assured by my family that though the prospective groom has Thanjavur base , he was brought up in Hyderabad. We had some age difference between us which I have still not accepted to this day for various reasons, especially when the age difference between my parents, my sister and her husband is minimal. Today's girls are much smarter and have a lot more say in life matters.  I agreed to go forward  with usual fears and apprehensions in the mind. My parents conducted our wedding to the best of their ability and in a very traditional way, but there were spoilers on my in-laws' side.  The rude behaviors by  the  immediate  in laws and a friend on their side  left some scars in what should have been memorable event. Surprisingly or not, all the spoilsports were ladies. One of them slammed my dressing room in anger as she felt she was excluded, one of them commented that the way I was wearing the wedding sarees looked like 'trash.' Their friend Asha* made rude remarks on the way I dressed up and commented I am not interested in dressing up and looking good! I wondered what would they have said if they saw  this bride dressed in an ordinary manner!! Would they have apologized to me for their past behaviors? Much water has flowed since then  and I need to forgive them for my own well-being though forgetting is hard.  

                                 I would like to conclude that it is almost a generation ahead from our wedding and things have changed for better at least for many, if not for everyone.  These events may look trivial in the Indian culture of weddings and life after that.  But it was definitely patriarchy in play. Why do these unpleasant events make strong impressions in our minds?

( Studies have shown that those memories are associated with high stress situations. Negative events tend to be stressful and cause our body to release the stress hormones epinephrine and cortisol. PET and fMRI studies showed that the action of stress hormones on the amygdala was crucial for controlling and strengthening memory.) - borrowed from Michelle Pereira in Science ABC.

          I hope after reading my anecdotes, readers will take much more care when they conduct major events like weddings to be remembered always in pleasant ways by the wedding couple and the associated families alike. 

P.S . This article was written around March and kept as a draft , because I did not have enough courage to publish it...

Thanks,

Deepa